Flying High After a Grey Divorce
by REGINA BRETT
Trust your High Power – and your hired powers — then launch your new life!
I am soaring into single life and feeling freer than I’ve felt in decades.
But flying solo takes a great ground crew.
Nick Pollard, a coach and self-described people displeaser, gave me a huge boost when he shared these words in a Facebook video: Stop Wasting Your Loneliness.
I felt deeply lonely the first few months I found myself single at 69 after 29 years of marriage. I felt all my big feelings, let them pass through me and then took up residency in my own life and stopped wasting my loneliness.
There comes a time when we will ALL have to move into our own lives. More than 36 percent of all divorces involve people 50 and older.
I’ve been cranking up Bon Jovi and belting out:
It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just wanna live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said,
"I did it my way."
I just wanna live while I'm alive
It's my life
My life?
I get to watch every Ohio State football game every single Saturday and cheer as loudly as I want. To celebrate, I just bought a brand-new OSU hoodie. Go Bucks!
I get to hang out with my girlfriends or grandkids any evening or weekend for as late as I want and go wherever I want.
I get to choose whatever guilty pleasure I want to do, eat at all my favorite restaurants and stay up late and sleep in.
I get to drive a sweeeeet ocean wave green MINI Cooper convertible. It’s a joy ride every single time the wind hits my hair. Move over Thelma and Louise! And yes, I do stop for cowboys that resemble Brad Pitt.
I just planned a solo trip to Ireland. Just me and my spiritual homeland. I booked a retreat near the Cliffs of Moher, a boat ride in Doolin and an archeological tour in Dingle. I might just get another tattoo. Maybe in Galway. Maybe in Killarney. So many choices.
And I get to make them ALL. All by myself.
Now that I’m off the ground, I want to thank some of the people who got me on the runway to encourage anyone facing a divorce, death or the departure of a primary relationship, to build a bigger WE.
You’re no longer part of a couple, but you can build a big safety net and use the one you already have.
I had to get a bigger God. Or at least discover my God had so many more superpowers than I ever realized.
My family loved me whole. My “holy host of others” includes Brett Nation, which is what we call my big ass family of 10 siblings, their spouses, kids and assorted 54 cousins.
My daughter, Gabrielle, is the wind beneath these wings. She’s my best friend and my guardian angel. Her spouse, my sons and their spouses and my grandkids fill my heart to overflow every single day.
I love my endless array of gal pals and my brother-in-law Gary, who I’m claiming in this divorce as my forever brother.
My friends in recovery kept telling me, “Trust your Higher Power.” My friend Sherrie added this: “Trust your hired powers:”
Great advice. You end up spending a LOT of money to finalize a divorce and start a new life, but if you hire the right people, they save you so much more money.
A few things that helped me:
Use a mediator: A professional mediator was much less expensive and faster than going to court with attorneys. Jim Robenalt at Next Page Mediation is a straight up gift to humanity. My marriage hit an expiration date in January and legally ended in July. Fast, but I’m grateful. I’ve met so many who have been lingering in divorce limbo for years and have spent upwards of $55,000.
Get a good attorney: Even with a mediator, hire a lawyer to give you solid legal advice. Ellen Mandell saved me sooo much money by explaining clearly what was on the table for me to negotiate. At our first meeting, she handed me a box of tissues. Then she announced, “The state of Ohio doesn’t care about your feelings. I’m here to protect your financial wellbeing. If you need help with your emotions, I’ve got a divorce coach you can hire.”
Hire a divorce coach: I only needed a couple of sessions with Bonnie Miller Ladds at Focus Forward Therapy, but she fortified my soul and shored up my self-esteem to help me be more confident during negotiations. I learned three things:
The person you are divorcing is not the person you married.
You were in two different marriages.
When it comes to financial negotiations, be a gray rock. Don’t take any of it personally.
Get into counseling: Resist the temptation to find someone to fill up the hole left behind. The goal is no more hole. The goal is to become whole. Patricia O’Donnell at Mind Body Counseling helped heal leftover childhood traumas that the divorce poked. She also helped me see this divorce as a completion, not a failure, to see this not as a finish line but a starting line for a new life.
Hire people for the practical matters, like these:
Change your locks: I got his key back, but I also got the locks changed. I kept randomly finding house keys everywhere. After 29 years together, you have no idea who has the keys to your house. Now I know.
Hire people handier than you: When four out of 8 light bulbs burned out in the family room, I could have bought some gizmo and tried to reach 12 feet high and replace them. Instead of risking electric shock or a fall from a ladder, I called the handy people at Monthly Upkeep. They came out the next day and changed all 8 bulbs and even dusted the ceiling fan.
I tried to keep up with all the garden beds but couldn’t. It took CLE Landscaping one day to do what would have taken me an entire summer.
Take THE best care of your body: I had two rotator cuff injuries back-to-back from my golden doodle, archery and kayaking. Also, I was “shouldering” way too much of other peoples’ needs. It took months of PT and a dozen visits to chiropractor Erica Murray who has more energy than a kindergarten class at recess. A cortisone shot by shoulder surgeon Robert Gillespie gave the healing process a big boost.
Rolfing expert Jessica Dillard at Open Potential realigned my core by combining massage, breathing and pressure points. Nori, my favorite massage therapist at Bodhi Tree, helped heal every inch of me.
You also have to protect your money and your future:
Get a new will and trust. Stephanie Glavinos at Calfee, Halter & Griswold gave me peace of mind that was priceless.
Make sure you have a financial planner who respects you. I went with Justin Horton at Stratos Wealth Partners, who comes highly recommended.
Yes, it took a lot of money, time and talented people to get my new life on new track.
A divorce tosses your game of Life in the air and everything goes flying. In time, all the pieces will land. And most of them land in a better place than they were before.
I love flying solo, but no plane takes off on its own. Every plane needs fuel.
Thanks for being my friends, my fans, my family and my fuel.
Wings up!